Connection Over Correction 

True story:

When we first moved back from Geelong to Melbourne, my firstborn (who is almost 3 years old), started having some bedtime troubles. He would scream when we would put him to bed, both for nap & bedtime. We couldn’t figure out why, and to be honest, my first response went to fixing mode. I reviewed his wake window. Is he not tired enough, is he sleeping too much, should we wake him up earlier, should we cut down on his nap?

We tried all sorts of variations to his sleep schedule, with no success. He would often need reassurance, and would eventually drift off to sleep. It was somewhat traumatic for us as parents, knowing that he used to be a little boy who would be happily placed in his cot and yell out “Bye mummy and daddy, I’ll see you later!”

After a few days of consistent behavior, I suddenly realized what had happened. We have been so busy and distracted since the move. With family visiting, delayed nap/bedtime, adjusting to new routines, and new daycare, we have been ‘cutting corners’ with the winding down time that we normally do with him. We haven't been spending much time with him, ensuring that he was emotionally well and feeling connected, safe, and loved by his parents.

Funny enough, his little brother was doing the same on an odd night, and I too, thought it could have been the environment (too hot/cold), or a scheduling issue, or sickness, causing him discomfort.

I heard this quote once, and it says, “If you want things to be the way it used to be, you have to do what you used to do.” So we went back to what we used to do.

Here is the bedtime routine that we used to do for the boys. If bedtime was 7 pm:

• 6.00 PM Bath (for about 20mins)
• 6.20 PM Get dressed in the room
• 6.30 PM Lights are dimmed, white noise turned on, books and quiet play
• 6.55 PM Prayer, cuddles & into the cot
• 7.00 PM Lights out, goodnight, leave the room

Why a good winding down routine?

1. Babies and toddlers need our help to calm their minds, bodies, and nervous system in order to relax and go to sleep.
2. It prepares them for the separation (from their caregivers) that is about to happen. Sleep can only happen when they feel safe and loved.
3. It encourages strong bonding time and secure attachment. As parents, sometimes the day gets ahead of us, and life gets busy, but with a solid pre-sleep routine, your quality time with your child is always protected, if you protect it of course.
4. Young children crave consistency and are secure when they are able to anticipate what comes next.
5. It gives you the opportunity to create your own traditions and family rhythms that are unique to your family.
6. Once established, it gives other caregivers a clear guide on how to manage naps and bedtime, without too many variations and inconsistencies.

Happy ending:

You will be happy to know that we did that the following night, really spending quality one-on-one time with the boys, and… they went down without a fuss, and my older boy said as we walked out of the room, “Bye mummy and daddy, I’ll see you later!”

So perhaps you are in the same situation. Perhaps your child used to sleep well, but no longer. Or bedtime battles are a common theme in your household. Sometimes it is so easy to jump into fixing mode and look for solutions or tips to fix what is seemingly broken. But so often we get so distracted with the problem that is in front of us, that we forget to look at the big picture. Try prioritizing connection over correction today. Choose to create an atmosphere of peace, love, and warmth at the end of the day (or the beginning of sleep). See if that makes a difference to you and your child’s emotional well-being.

Get Your Child to Sleep Through the Night Quickly and Easily Without Fuss, Tears, or Frustration

(From You or Your Child!) 

Sleeping On Purpose

By: Ruth Tai