Fear, You Are Not Welcome Here
When I first became a brand-new mom, I had a lot of fears. Fears that would turn into anxiety. Some of the fears were internally driven, but a lot were also indirectly spoken to me or over my life. I know that people are well-meaning, but they have no idea how much their words have impacted me. One of the few narratives that kept replaying in my mind as a pregnant mom were things like:
“Sleep all you can now, once you have the baby sleep is overrated. You will be sleep-deprived for the next 4 years”
“Don’t hold/rock/feed your baby to sleep, you will spoil him and he will always want you to repeat that”
“If your baby cries, don’t go in or he will learn to get his own way by crying”
“If you want your baby to sleep well, you need to put your child on a routine from day one”
“Should I pick him up? Is this going to turn into a bad sleep habit”
“How long should I let him cry for? How long is too long? What is this type of cry?”
“If I pick him up, is it going to ruin all my hard work?”
“If he wakes up early, it's going to throw my whole day out”
I was diagnosed with post-natal anxiety and depression when my firstborn was about 8 months old. It was a massive shock and never in a million years, I thought I would be here.
Fear is defined as an unpleasant emotion caused by the threat of danger, pain, or harm.
Working through this diagnosis and getting the help I needed, I realized that I was parenting from a shaky foundation built on fear and anxiety, and it needed to stop. Instead, I decided to parent from the complete opposite direction; parenting from a place of LOVE.
FEAR, YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE.
Many of you battle with anxiety and fear when it comes to sleep parenting, just like how I did. Are you making decisions out of fear? How can you turn this knot of anxiousness that you feel in your stomach, into love? So how do you parent from a place of love? I wish someone would just hold my hand and guide me through every step of the way, but real life doesn’t work that way. So where to go from here? All I know is LOVE. How love looks like, what it is not, and what it gives.
LOVE is meeting a genuine need.
Love is properly responding to your child, fear is reacting to your child’s circumstance by either refraining from responding or responding by doing whatever it takes to get sleep without thinking of the possible repercussions. You will encounter lots of moments where sleep will be disrupted due to reasons that even a good sleeper may not be able to avoid (more on that in another blog post). Will you be able to identify and address that genuine need? How will you respond? Will you be able to identify a genuine need, and respond promptly?
LOVE is in the presence of BOUNDARIES
Boundaries make a child feel secure. Have you set appropriate boundaries for your child so that he/she can thrive? Sometimes boundaries may seem harsh on the outside, but only within the realms of healthy boundaries, one can truly thrive. Boundaries are saying no to the good in the present moment so that you can have the best for the future.
LOVE is trust (and release)
Faith is the complete trust or confidence in someone or something.
Do you trust your baby? Do you trust that your baby has the ability to sleep? Do you trust your ability as a parent to lead, and guide your child in the right direction? Do you trust that you have given your child the tools to succeed (in the sleep department)?
LOVE IS Courage (and confident leadership)
Courage to lead, the courage to take control and be the parent that you are meant to be. The confidence in knowing that you are chosen to be your child’s parent, and that you have everything within you to raise this child. How blessed are you!
LOVE is to be firm, but kind
Firm but kind is one of my favorite positive parenting tools. It's not mutually exclusive and is actually very effective when applied to sleep. Being firm but showing kindness is one of the best ways to nurture and protect your child's emotional wellness whilst still ensuring that the boundaries are maintained. Some examples are:
“I love you, and you are going to sleep now”
“It's time for bed, and you can choose 2 books”
LOVE is empathy, and gratitude all wrapped into one
Every time I felt anxiety rising up when my baby was having trouble going back to sleep at night or during nap, I would whisper as I was holding him “Sorry that you are not able to sleep sweetheart, and thank you for letting mummy know”.
What if every time your baby is having a hard time sleeping, you empathize? How would it change the way you feel within yourself and towards your baby? “I'm sorry darling that you are having such a hard time, your gums must be hurting real bad. I'm sorry that you are cold, mummy forgot to turn on the heater (oops!!).”
“Thank you for letting me know that you are uncomfortable. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to make it right. Thank you that when I am holding you, you trust me completely to give you comfort. Thank you for choosing me to be your momma”.
LOVE is Grace
Grace for your baby, as he/she learns to navigate through this world, learning skills that will lead them towards more independence as they grow up. Grace for you as a parent, that every day is a new day, not to get things perfect, but another fresh opportunity to grow as a parent.
One of my biggest driving forces is that I wouldn't want my children to grow up remembering that I am a mom who reacted to fear, but instead, to be able to model courage, love, and grace. Would you choose LOVE today, and tell fear that it does not have a place in your mind, your heart, your parenthood, and your home?
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind - (2 Timothy 1:7)
Get Your Child to Sleep Through the Night Quickly and Easily Without Fuss, Tears, or Frustration
(From You or Your Child!)
Sleeping On Purpose
By: Ruth Tai
