My husband's side of our sleep journey
TITLE: Story from my Husband’s perspective
SUBHEAD:"A Journey Through Parenthood: Overcoming Challenges and Embracing Change"My name is Alex Tai and I’m the husband to Ruth.
Story from my Husband’s perspective
My name is Alex Tai and I’m the husband to Ruth.
When Ruth first asked me to share a husband's perspective of our baby’s sleep journey, I must confess that I had conflicting emotions.
This conflicting because so much of my initial resistance to her sleep endeavors with our kids was rooted in the ongoing marriage issues that we were working through. Why wouldn’t I want my wife to thrive? Why wouldn’t I want what she wants?
And also, ultimately conflicting because whilst there has been much pain on part of my dearest Ruth, I certainly walked through some pretty dark and lonely tunnels that season. Thinking back about those days did elicit some strong emotions in me
However now that the springtime (metaphorically and physically) is upon us, those days are getting further and further behind us. And I know that God makes everything beautiful in His time.
When we (by “we” I mean when Ruth first told me she was starting this journey) first started this sleep journey, our small family had moved down to Alice Springs temporarily for my work. I was excited about the opportunity to work in an outback setting for 6 months, and had all these dreams and excitement of bringing Ruth and my then 2-month-old around the outback. Alice Springs was, and still is known for its beautiful outdoor scenery and landscape, speaking to my love for the great outdoors.
Ruth first broached the subject with me once we had moved down to Alice. Up to that point, my thoughts and energy had been consumed by the excitement of being a first-time dad, and now adjusting to working life in a new location. It soon hit me pretty quickly that this sleeping routine that Ruth was chatting about involved structured nap times, set hours for feeding, nighttime sleeping, etc.
After loosely throwing my commitment behind Ruth in her sleep endeavor, my support quickly was replaced by resentment at our new life routine. I remember feeling a loss of control at my ‘own life routine’, and how even a suggestion of a trip to the outback was met with numbers and figures regarding Ezra’s nap schedule and how it would be impossible to organize.
My philosophy up to that point was that my kids should fit into our lives, and not the other way. So this certainly upset me a lot. What I failed to see was that there was no ‘us’ in this, it was just ‘me’.
All this culminated in multiple arguments between us, which spilled over to the following year when we moved back to Geelong when my stint at Alice was done. I was still supporting her sleep endeavors and routines, but never fully capturing the heart of it all.
Ruth continued to struggle with trying to ensure that our Ezra got the best sleep routine possible, whilst battling with her worsening anxiety and loss of independence as a new mum. This was a season where I was never sure if Ruth would be able to wake up the next day to care for our Ezra, or if I would have to take carer’s leave again because she was so exhausted and weighed down with her emotions that were manifesting physically in her body.
When Ruth became pregnant with our second son Jeremiah, Ruth’s pre-existing anxiety and stress, as well as Hyperemesis Gravidarum (severe morning sickness) resulted in me taking on the role of the ‘night parent’ for Ezra. And it was in the midst of that season, with just me and Ezra alone at night when he refused to settle, that I finally began to appreciate the depth of what Ruth had been slowly struggling through for the season that went by. When he refused to sleep, or when he cried for hours on end, I had to rack my brains to work out how to settle him (given Ruth was sleeping through most of it given how unwell she was).
I grew up thinking that ‘attachment’ parenting was how a parent was meant to raise their kid. This might have stemmed from my upbringing where parents just rocked their kids to sleep, or co-slept with their kids. When we first embarked on this sleep journey, my resentment towards Ruth’s sleep journey may have also been rooted with this particular issue.
But as I sat there alone in Ezra’s room on multiple nights just rocking him and thinking about life, it dawned upon me that it didn’t matter what I thought! What mattered, more than anything in this world was that my wife was well. If ‘doing’ or ‘implementing’ a sleep routine was important to her health and well-being, why on earth would I resist such an endeavor?
Did it matter what I thought? It did to a degree, but certainly not to the detriment of my other half. More than anything in this world, I just wanted her to be well, to smile, and to be able to just wake up and be happy to be a mother.
After we had our son, Jeremiah, I saw how much of a miracle he was for arriving safe and alive! We had so many scares that he was going to be born prematurely, or that he might be born stillborn (given a genetic condition that both Ruth and I have). I heard Ruth talk about how dark her days were, and how she nearly wanted to pull the plug so many times on the pregnancy and her life. And that touched something very deep in my spirit.
It was probably the second time in our marriage that I felt that depth of fear mingled with sadness. The first time was when I struggled with fears of potentially losing Ezra our firstborn to miscarriage or stillbirth.
I decided that it was time that my own ‘ideas’ on parenting and life stopped dominating our lives. A series of different life decisions and intense prayer eventually led us back to Melbourne to be closer to extended family and close friends. I stopped arguing about sleep and decided that I would support Ruth in her sleep journey, no matter what the cost on my end.
I now see my wife thriving again in life. Her successfully launching her sleep business to help other mums out there is one thing. But the fact that she is able to wake up in the morning and just love on our kids has been a huge testimony to God’s faithfulness in our lives.
To the husbands out there, my only word of advice is this: just love your wife and kids. Love them with all your heart, because you never know if you might lose them. Think of your wife and know that at the end of the day, she needs you to be there for her, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, in a baby sleep program or not. But what matters is her, her health, and what she feels will help her.
To the mothers out there (or soon-to-be mothers), you are all amazing amazing human beings. You are warriors in your own right and you never stop fighting for what is right for the family and your kids. We salute you all.
Yours faithfully
Alex
Get Your Child to Sleep Through the Night Quickly and Easily Without Fuss, Tears, or Frustration
(From You or Your Child!)
Sleeping On Purpose
By: Ruth Tai
